How the test went and how I really feel.

I hope this post doesn't make me sound like a brat.  My Mom told me "don't look a gift horse in the mouth"- but, well, passing isn't the happy thing I thought it would be.

Okay- the test session.   I get out on the ice and it is typical Quad Cities ice: super fast, super slick.  There is something magical about it for spins, it is like it grabs your blades and holds you in one spot. Centering there is so easy, and spins are fast.  But jumps- yeah, I've never jumped well there.

For the warm up, Carson keeps telling me to get down in my knees.  All my elements go well*, and my spins are great.  (*I missed one waltz-toe, getting stuck down in the toe pick position but did two other good ones.  My loops were not horrible, but my loops.)

Although my nerves have definetly got the best of me all week, I feel like I can do this.

I go out to do the program.  All the skaters have gone to the judges first (especially since they messed up one of the skaters paperwork, they had the wrong forms), so even though we've never planned to do this- I skate over to them.  Before I get there they say "we're ready for you"- urgh.  Should have just gone to the opening position.

My music starts, I smile, I'm happy.  My loop is okay.  I land on the toe pick and have some of an exit edge.  Still smiling.  I got to the waltz-toe, and what the hell?  Did I just toe-waltz?  I never do that anymore.  At least I jumped.  Mistake 1.   I enter my sit spin.  Way too over on the inside edge.  It isn't as low as I can get it, and it is slow for me.  Mistake 2.  I do my salchow, I have no memory of it so I bet it was fine.  I remember my toe picks dragged loudly but think to myself that I had great edge rip on the crossovers into it, and those go straight past the judges.  Hopefully the two noises even each other out.  I hold my exit edge and then go into my backspin.  My foot doesn't cross, but the backspin is good.  They have gotten really consistent.  I'm not able to kick out but swizzle out like I did last time.  Then I think to myself "oh crap, I am way behind the music".  I start my footwork and do only one waltz 3 pattern, not two.  I do my backwards crossovers and set up for my toe loop.  I jump, and still smiling "what the hell was that?"  Thank goodness I don't cuss, or mouth anything, as I often do that in practice.  My toe loop has become my steady element and I just blew it.  I didn't waltz-toe, but I didn't really do anything.  The pivot was there, but I think my foot landed on the ice before I took off.  This was not MY toe loop.  My toe loops have never looked like that.  I'm baffled, and now I hit Mistake 3.  I do my crossovers, realize I am now ahead of the music so I don't rush into the scratch spin.  I do a nice scratch spin (not looking down at the tracing, so I don't know but a judge said it was centered) and I tack a pivot on to the end of the program.   I don't bow to the judges.  I'm not sure I'm supposed to.  But no matter what, I know I just blew it.

I skated to Carson.  He is not happy.  We wait for a reskate announcement.  Maybe the sit spin still counted?  For sure I have to do the toe loop, and we always knew I'd have to do the loop.  No judge calls me over.  That's it.  I really did blow it.  Okay.  That's fine.  At least this time I can only blame me.  Last time I thought I did great, and failed.  This time, I thought I did terribly.  So the retry will be no surprise.

While waiting for the papers I eat a cookie.  Burton asked me if I wanted one before the test, but I turned it down thinking I'd be sick.  I told him we were going out for celebration sushi (ended up being Indian) but I'd take one if I needed a consolation cookie.  I felt miserable.  It is one thing to get a retry when you skate well but your best isn't good enough- but to do that?  I was disappointed in myself.  I didn't even get a reskate.

Then Sue brings us the papers.  Retry, but not marked down on artistic.  I thought that was right- I was mad last time when one judge gave me low presentation marks.  Next one- Pass.  Really?  and then I go to the next paper- Pass.  What?  What program were these judges watching?  I think I actually gasped.

Carson tells me "you got lucky".  We go over the papers and the comments are right- my sit spin wasn't low, my toe loop sucked, my loop was underrotated.  He is surprised by the nice ice coverage comments. We aren't sure what made the judges write 2.5 and pass me.  I think this is the most disappointed in me Carson has ever expressed being.  More than when I got a retry on the same test. 

I talked to Burton- he tells me my standard is higher than the test standard, and that might be true.  I think of the other ladies who have passed the test, and what their tests look like.  Honestly, they look like what my test looked like.  The standard is pretty low.  So now I'm just mad at the first set of judges.  Why did I get a retry last time?  I skated so much better then.   The judges were pretty hard all day.  Our club didn't have a good test session overall- but I was the only adult, so maybe the are just easy on the adults.  Was it a pity pass?

On the way home, I'm upset.  I just passed a test that has been my goal for almost 5 years, and I'm about to cry.  I am angry at the judges for passing me.  They passed me on a test I can't be proud of.  This is when my Mom tells me I'm being ridiculous.  I asked Kevin if he understands what I'm talking about, and he says no.   I wonder if that speed skater who won a gold because he was in last and everyone else fell might have had some of these feelings.  To get what you wanted without being good enough for it?  (Though part of speed skating is not getting caught in the pile ups...)

So today, I've given it more thought.  I think I had 3 mistakes.  But my loop wasn't that bad- I landed on the toepick, I had some glide on the exit (sometimes I land at a standstill).  Lots of people have passed this with loops like that.  My sit spin was definetly an "adult" sit spin, and it was slow- but it was slow because I spin well.  My toe loops- well I toe waltzed one, but I've been told repeatedly that that is fine for bronze skaters, and I barely left the ice on the other- but it was recognizable as a toe loop.  So I feel like all my mistakes were major for me, but maybe minor for the test.  Maybe I did really meet the standard.  Maybe it wasn't a pity pass.

But why the heck did I get a retry last time?